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DO The following are some suggestions on how to approach and caringly give support to parents grieving the loss of a child at any age. Most importantly, remember the best way you can help is to listen and let them talk. Do say: "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for your loss." "What can I do for you right now?" "It's okay to cry." "I'm here for you." "Do you want to talk about your child?" "I can't imagine what you're going through, but your loss must be very hard." Do: Let your caring and concern show. Listen and encourage them to talk about their child by asking if they want to talk about it. Parents will need to talk about their child often; this can include the time during pregnancy, their birth, their life, achievements and even the circumstance of death. Call the child by name (Never refer to the child as “the fetus”, “it” or “the little angel.”) Using the child's name reassures the parents that their child means something to you and that they are not alone in this. Share memories of the child. Don't be afraid to laugh about the amusing things the child did. Laughter helps to comfort the parents. Let them feel comfortable enough to cry in front of you, and don't hold back your tears, either. Let the parents express whatever it is they are feeling at the time. Everyone has their own way and time frame for grieving. Some are unable or unwilling to talk about it and withdraw, others may seem angry to everyone, and still others may need to talk about every detail. Be patient with them and their wide range of emotions. This includes, anger, guilt, disbelief, pain, questions, what if's and depression. Be available for them whenever they need you. Check in on them often and take it upon yourself to see what it is they need at that time. Contact friends and work out a schedule so the bereaved parents aren't overwhelmed with too much support in the beginning and not enough later. (The parents do need some time alone.) Cook a meal that they can reheat when they are ready to eat (at their own house). Cooking a couple meals and putting them in single serve containers to freeze is very helpful. Don't forget about their other children they may have, they have to eat, too. (Don't expect the parents to feel like going to dinner at someone's house shortly after the loss.) Give special attention to their living children. Take them to the park, let them play with your children or anything that establishes some sort of normalcy. The surviving children are hurt and confused, too. They are often ignored in this type of situation. Do not assume that they're not hurting because they don't express their feelings. They may not know how to adequately show their emotions or are afraid to for fear of hurting their parents more. Run errands, help with household chores, provide light house cleaning, pick up a few groceries. Help with child care. Change the oil in their car, wash their car, make sure it's in good running condition. Be aware of what needs to be done and do it. Realize and understand that the death of a child changes people forever. The parents aren't the same as they once were and never will be. Be patient with the bereaved parents. Grief is like a roller coaster, never really knowing what lies ahead. Encourage the parents to be patient with themselves. They hear comments like “You should move on,” or “Get on with life,” and they often try to “rush” through the grief process or they try to avoid it entirely. Help them to realize that it takes time and they should go through this however they feel comfortable. There are no rules or guidelines on how to grieve; it's up to each individual. Be aware and understanding of the changes the family experiences. They will exhibit new (to us they may be unusual) behaviors as they try to figure out what their roles are in the family now that the child is gone. This is a very long and painful process. After the initial shock and grief process, gently encourage the parents to continue with activities they once enjoyed. Ask them out to lunch, to a movie or even just a walk in the park as a way to help combat the isolation of grief. Don't give up if they say no. Keep asking, but don't pressure them. One day they will be up to getting out and will appreciate that you cared enough to ask again. Realize that grieving parents often feel isolated and depressed and they need to talk. Visiting and just listening helps tremendously. Ask if they would like company and offer to visit the cemetery with them. Some parents like the company while others prefer to go alone, but just asking shows you care. Keep in touch. It is hard for grieving parents to stay in touch with other people, so it is up to you to help them through this. Understand that there is NO timetable for grief. Ask the parents if they would like you to briefly tell other friends or family about the loss. If they do, let the others know about the information on this page so they can also help support the parents. Offer the parents bereavement information and materials from an organization that helps with the loss of a child. Encourage them to join a support group and offer your assistance in helping them find one. Remember the second Sunday in December is the Worldwide Candle Lighting at 7pm in your own time zone. The following ways to be supportive are for parents grieving the loss of a pregnancy or infant. Remember that October is Infant Loss Awareness Month and October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Be aware of the fact that they may not want to be around children of the same age (sometimes, any age) of the child they lost. Offer to hold any baby items for them until they feel up to looking at them. Offer to go with the parents or to personally return maternity clothes, baby furniture or anything that they wish. Acknowledge their child in difficult times, such as the baby's due date, birthday or death or burial, and holidays. ©2005 God's Precious Gifts Foundation Single copies of this may be printed for personal use only. Duplication for monetary gain is strictly forbidden. DO DON'T Say DON'T Do Pregnancy & Infant Loss

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