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Don't Do Do not bring a child around the same age as the deceased to the funeral home/viewing (especially if their child was very young). This seems to be harder for parents who have lost a baby or infant. Do not make a fuss about how hard it is for you to view the deceased. This is the parent's time to grieve, not their time to comfort you. Do not assume that the parents will be over their grief within a short period of time, or even at any time. Parents will continue to grieve for their child(ren) from now on. As time passes, they learn to bear it and to adjust, but they never get over it. Don't expect the parents to stop talking about the child they lost. That child is still their child just as your child on earth is still your child. The parents may talk more about the child they lost as a way to keep their memory alive and to help them adjust to their loss. Don't judge the parents. Starting a sentence with, “You should,” or “You shouldn't,” is not appropriate. Let the parents make their own decisions and choose their own behaviors they display. Extreme emotions are very normal, especially in the first years following the death of the child. Don't expect the bereaved parents to return any baby shower gifts, birthday presents, Christmas presents, etc. If you have a gift that you haven't given the parents, go ahead and offer it to them. If they refuse, you can ask if they would like you to donate it to a charity. Also, if a savings account was opened for the child, don't expect to have the parents return it. Don't let your own sense of helplessness stop you from reaching out to the parents. They need you more now than ever, even if it's only to listen to them. Don't change the subject or pretend they haven't said anything when they talk about their child they lost. Listen to them and be there for them as long as they need you. Don't try to find something positive about their loss. If you feel you need to do this because you don't know what to do or say, be honest with them. Let them know that you truly care, but you just don't know what to do. Don't be afraid to visit them in person or over the phone and remember, be patient with them as they talk about their child, cry or even show anger. Don't try to make them feel better by pointing out that they have other children. They know this and love their other children deeply, but nothing will replace the one they lost. If they don't have any other children, telling them that they can is just as upsetting. If you find out the child they lost was an infant, don't act like it's no big deal just because "it was only a baby". There are some people who seem concerned about the loss of a child until they find out it was a baby. Then, they say, “Oh,” As if it should hurt less because the child had not been around very long. ©2005 God's Precious Gifts Foundation Single copies of this may be printed for personal use only. Duplication for monetary gain is strictly forbidden. DO DON'T Say DON'T Do Pregnancy & Infant Loss

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