DON'T Say

Bereaved parents often do not reach out to anyone. They need all the support they can get without asking for it. Let the parents know when you'll check on them and make sure you do so.

“At least you will always have the memories of your child.”

Memories are not the same thing as having their child with them.

“Oh, so you really only have two children.”

This is a statement that has been said after the parents were asked how many children they have and they replied, “Seven, two boys here with us and four boys and one girl with Jesus.” Parents do not need to be corrected about how many children they have and for someone else to think they do, it is very insensitive and plain rude. The children that are no longer here are no less important than the remaining living children.

“Well, this one should be easier.”

This has been said to parents who have lost more than one child. This is like asking a parent who hasn't experienced the death of a child which living child they love more. A parent doesn't love one child more than another and it doesn't get any easier to lose more than one child.

“I know how you feel.”

You may think you do, but unless you have lost a child, you have no idea how it feels. Grief for the loss of a child is the hardest kind of grief there is. Losing a child is a deeper unexpected loss. If you have lost a child, you can let them know you have experienced something similar to their loss. If you do this, be extremely careful to be brief so you don't rob them of their new grief.

“God/Heaven needed another angel.”

God already created all the angels He needed. Parents don't want to hear that someone else “needed” their child more; they “needed” their child here with them. They don't want an angel in heaven; they want their child here on earth with them.

“God had big plans for your child and He had to take him.”

God has a plan for everyone. Whether they are big or small doesn't make a difference. The parents will grieve deeply for their child.

“Your child is in a better place.”

The parents would rather have their child here with them. Having this statement said to them doesn't diminish the loss they feel. Often parents can only think of the cold dark, deep grave their child is in, and obviously that is not a better place.

“Your child is finally really happy.”

Saying this implies that you think their child was unhappy. Their child was happy here with them.

“You should have prayed harder, had a stronger faith, or believed more and your child would have survived.”

This statement is wrong on so many levels. It's like saying that the parents didn't love their child enough. We all know that isn't true.

“It's God's will.”

God doesn't will a child's death, He only allows it, often for reasons we will never understand. This statement feels like you are trying to minimize or explain away the death.

“God doesn't close a door without opening a window.”

Squeezing through a window is much harder than walking through the door. After the initial shock of grief has passed, parents may start to look for the positive on their own, but they do not need to be pushed before they are ready.

“God doesn't give us more than we can handle.” Or “You're a strong person, you can handle this.”

They don't want to handle this. They may feel like they can't handle it. They don't want to have to be strong. They want others to be strong for them and allow them to show their grief without putting on a strong front. Strong just doesn't happen, parents may need to rant and rave before they can begin to feel “strong” enough to continue on without their child.

“Your child was just not meant to be here.”

If this were true, the child would have never been created. God doesn't make mistakes. Their child was a gift from God meant to be here even if only for a short while.

“It was your child's time to go.”

Saying this doesn't comfort the parents. The parents wanted more time with their child, they feel robbed of time.

“It's just as well, he might have gone bad when he grew up.” Or “She might have gotten hurt or died when she was a little bit older.”

Unfortunately this statement is a common one that leaves the parents speechless. Parents love their child regardless of the child's actions or the injuries that may occur.

“You should be feeling better by now.”

Grieving is a long process. There are no rules for how long a parent should grieve for a child. Every person handles grief differently and for different lengths of time; weeks, months or years.

“Are you better now?”

This makes the parents feel like their child's death was their own illness or disease.

“Time will heal.”

Time is endless, it does not heal the wound of losing a child, it eventually dulls the sharpness and makes it easier to carry the pain.

“Shouldn't you be over the crying by now?”

Crying is part of grieving and it helps in the healing process. While the tears will eventually become less, they will never stop completely.

“Your child wouldn't want you to cry for them.”

Telling parents this may only make them feel guilt, not make them feel any better. Crying is part of grieving and a way to express the love they will always have for their child. Many parents feel that their child understands why they cry.

“What are you going to do now?”

This isn't a career change, and by asking this question, it is an invasion of their privacy. They don't want to think or talk about the future. They want to talk about the child they just lost, they want to reminisce. They are going to do work through this the best they can everyday.

“It's time to let go and move on.”

There is no letting go of a child. Bereaved parents will always carry the child they lost in their hearts. The parents do move on everyday. It is extremely difficult to do everyday basic tasks, and telling them to move on is inappropriate.

“Let go of the past.” Or “You can't hold on to the past forever.”

A child is not the past, they will always be part of the family. The parents will hold onto them forever, it's all they have with their child.

“Don't dwell on this, put it behind you.”

This statement feels like you are making light of the loss and may cause prolonged sadness. The parents will dwell on this, it can't be put behind them. Everyday they will think about their child, all the good times, bad times and even sad times.

“You need to get over this.”

Parents will never get over the death of a child, it is something they will live with for the rest of their lives, but they will learn to live with the pain.

“You need to find a hobby to keep you occupied.”

Hobbies do not replace the love for a child or time that could have been spent with a child. Hobbies don't make the parents forget. Soon after the loss, too many hobbies can suppress the grief process, which is not healthy.

“At least you have other children.”

All children are a blessing, but you cannot replace one child with another. There will always be an empty place in the family. The other children are feeling a loss as well, the loss of their sibling.

“At least your child lived for some amount of time, but mine didn't, so I was cheated more than you.”

The grieving parents love their child just as much as any parent, whether the child was here for seconds, days or months. The lack of time on earth doesn't make the love parents feel any less.

“You can always have another child.”

Another child will not replace the one they lost. Every child is unique in their own special way.

“This is/has to be killing you.”

It's not easy, children are supposed to outlive their parents. Many parents will be different after the loss of a child, like part of them died with their child.

“How did you live through this?”

They have no choice, but to live through this. They live through this by the grace of God and loving, supportive friends and family.

“If it were my child, I would have killed myself.”

This is like arguing that you love your child more than the bereaved parents because they didn't kill themselves.

“If it were me going through this, I couldn't stand it.”

The bereaved parents can't “stand it” either, but they have to continue.

“I won't ask about your child, it makes me upset/depressed.”

Usually, it doesn't make you upset/depressed, it just makes you uncomfortable because you may not know what to do or say. It has upset the bereaved parents and made them depressed that they lost their child, but their child will always be a part of their lives. The parents need to talk about their child to help keep their memory alive.

“I don't want to hear about your child or their grave. I want to know how you are.”

Again, the child will always be a part of the parents' lives, so if you want to hear about them, you will hear about the child they lost also. By not listening to what they have to say about their child, then you can't truly know how they are doing.

“When you talk about your child, don't say he died, that word makes me uncomfortable.”

It's the parents' rights to decide what to say- died, passed away, with Jesus now, passed on, etc. And you have no right to demand from them they phrase it a certain way.

“Don't be sad.”

There is no way for the bereaved parents not to be sad. Telling them not to be sad is like saying don't eat when you are hungry.

“Don't cry.”

The parents are going to cry because crying helps. Telling them not to cry will only cause distance between you and them because they feel they have to be strong around you and can't show their true emotions.

“It was just a baby, it's not the same as an older child.”

It may not be exactly the same, but the pain is no less. A baby is still missed dearly and loved just as much as an older child.

“Your child only lived a short time, but my child was older, so I lost more.”

Love for a child is not measured by how long they were here on earth; there is no time limit; days, months, years are all the same and just as painful.

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