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Pregnancy & Infant Loss Miscarriages are said to happen in about every four or five pregnancies. It can happen at any time, although after around 20 weeks, most doctors consider it a stillbirth. A miscarriage brings up a whole new list of hurtful statements. The following will help you understand more. Don't Say: If you find out the child they lost was an infant, don't act like it's no big deal just because "it was only a baby". There are some people who seem concerned about the loss of a child until they find out it was a baby. Then, they say, “Oh,” As if it should hurt less because the child had not been around very long. “You can try again.” It's not a matter of trying again. No matter how many times they “try again,” the pain will always be there for the child they lost. Even if they have 12 more children, those will not replace the one that is gone from them. “There will be other babies.” There may or there may not be. It's not a question of having other babies. Other babies cannot make up for all the “firsts” the parents won't ever have the chance to experience with the one they lost. Parents have to mourn for the lost baby before having another one. “It's better that this happened now, before you grew to know/love the baby.” The parents began to love this baby as soon as they found out they were expecting. No matter how old the child was, the pain is still the same, whether they were here 21 years, 11 days or died before birth. “Your baby wasn't even due yet, it shouldn't bother you.” This baby is as real as a child who was born, even if the parents only held this child in their mind and not in their arms. “This happened for the best.” There is nothing good about their baby dying. This happened for the best for whom? “There was probably something wrong with the baby anyway.” This statement is unnecessary, untrue and may worsen the pain. The parents have already needlessly beaten themselves up and asked every question imaginable trying to understand why this happened. “You weren't ready to be parents or have children.” This is just downright hurtful. It doesn't comfort the parents at all. It's not your decision if they were ready to be parents or not. “Did you do something wrong when you first got pregnant?” This is another very hurtful question. The parents don't need to be ridiculed or accused of something wrong as this question makes them feel. “Have you ever thought of not having children or giving up trying to have children?” The parents need comfort and support for the child(ren) they have lost. They may realize that they may never be parents, but they do not need anyone to point this out to them. This is a personal choice that each couple must decide together and without other's opinions. “Maybe you should just adopt a child.” This statement is just as hurtful as the previous one. “You should be grateful for the children you already have.” It's not a matter of being ungrateful or unappreciative. Losing a child makes parents even more grateful for the children they have, but it doesn't lessen the pain any. Due dates, birth dates, birthdays, date of death, date of the funeral, holidays, family get-togethers and many other occasions are painful reminders that the child they love is not with them. It is hard to be around babies if the loss was due to a miscarriage, stillbirth or shortly after birth. Many moms cannot go to events such as baby showers, even years after the loss. That doesn't mean they don't want to be invited, they are excited and want to celebrate with the mom-to-be. For some, they enjoy (in their own way) shopping for a gift. It brings back sweet memories of the time they had with their child. Don't skip inviting the bereaved mom, just understand if they don't want to come. If it is a recent loss or they are still in the beginning stages of grief, let them know about the baby shower before you send out invitations. Talk to them openly and let them know you care for them and want them to be a part of this, but you completely understand if they can't come and then send them an invitation when you mail out the others. Many bereaved parents feel left out, like they're being avoided, so including them is usually appreciated, even though they may not attend. Don't be surprised if parents that have religious beliefs get angry at God and question why He “let” this happen. Be patient, understanding and listen to them. Don't try to offer them answers, this is something they need to explore and figure out on their own with God's help. ©2005 God's Precious Gifts Foundation Single copies of this may be printed for personal use only. Duplication for monetary gain is strictly forbidden. DO DON'T Say DON'T Do Pregnancy & Infant Loss

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