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Stages of Grief Not everyone grieves the same and there are no textbook answers on how you should react to the loss of a child. There is no schedule for your grief. It is very important for your well-being to let yourself experience the emotions of grief. YOU, not someone else, should decide and follow through with what is best for your own personal grieving process. You will get through it in your own time. Your spouse probably will not go through the grief process the same as you. It's easy to assume they would be identical to you with their feelings, but you must remember they are individuals with their own way of grieving. Talking and listening to each other is the most important thing you can do to help each other along. Many well-intentioned people may offer thoughtless, ill advice on how you you should handle this. You should not feel that any way you go through the grief is wrong. The following is just a guideline for the grief you may feel. It's not uncommon to grieve at one (or more) stages many different times or to feel many different emotions together. You may experience the following: Shock or Numbness Denial Bargaining Guilt or Self-Blame Fear Anger Depression Acceptance Reorganizing 1. Shock or Numbness   Shock is the first part of grief and often the body's first response to news of a death. Shock can last 2 weeks and sometimes more. This is when some feel they need alcohol or drugs to help them through this or to be able to sleep, but these temporary fixes only lead to delaying the grief process and an unhealthy depression. In time, as the shock begins to decline the physical symptoms will begin to lose their intensity. Feelings of shock may include shortness of breath, crying or the inability to cry or show emotions, tightness in the throat and/or chest, bodily or muscular limpness or weakness, wanting to search for the child, the need to continually sigh or breathe in deeply, not being able to move or constantly fidgeting, loss of appetite or excessive hunger, inability to make decisions or sleep disturbances. You may not be able to concentrate, you hear people talking to you and see their mouths moving, but can't hear what they are saying. You may feel like everything around you is moving in fast forward, but you're in slow motion. Thousands of questions can fly through your mind in a second, but they are gone before you can ask one. 2. Denial   You may not want to accept the loss or refuse to acknowledge it. You may feel that the doctor or the report is wrong. You may feel like it's just a dream and that it will all be gone in the morning. You may think that your child is still being protected inside you or for the loss of an older child; that they may walk through the door any minute. You may think that your child is lost and needs to be found. You may not feel like mourning your child, that it's not a big deal. You may think that if you don't mourn or think about the child, that it will make it easier to handle. Often, parents throw themselves back into work or something else to “keep them busy” so they won't have time to think about the loss. Reality will eventually start to set in and you will be able to mourn your loss. 3. Bargaining   Bargaining is an attempt to make a deal usually with God to save their child in exchange for their own life, be willing to take the child's sickness or many other deals. In cases of illness or a life-threatening accident, this stage can occur before the loss, or after the loss when you're experiencing denial and an attempt is made to reverse fate. Bargaining can involve begging, wishing and praying. 4. Guilt or Self-Blame   Guilt about what could have been done to prevent the death is normal. Although it is not your fault, it is completely normal to question what you did wrong in this situation or go over and over the “I should have's,” “I shouldn't have,” “If only I would have…”, “Why didn't I?...”, etc. Parents feel it's their job to protect their child, but you must realize that you did not cause the death of your child. Starting a journal about your feelings or talking about your feelings to someone who understands is very helpful. 5. Fear   Fear of losing someone else close to you is extremely heightened after the loss of a child. You may encounter the fear of something happening to another child, a spouse or a close family member or visualize how you think they may die. You may have excessive worry when another child or spouse is late coming home, even if they're only a minute later than usual. You may not want to let your other children out of your sight for fear of an accident happening to them. 6. Anger   Normal reactions to loss are being angry at the loss itself, the people who may have made a decision that resulted in the loss, God, even the child who is gone or an individual you may feel caused the death. You may have a short temper and unexpectedly lash out at friends and family. You may become angry at someone close if they become pregnant. It's not uncommon to momentarily think about or wish they would lose their baby. Common statements made in anger can be: “I hate you, God!” (or the person you feel is responsible), “Life's not fair!”, “Why me?” Although anger is uncomfortable for most people, it's a sign that you are beginning to accept the facts surrounding the death. Many people think it's wrong to get mad at God and He will punish you for doing so. God understands our anger, He can handle it. He is our Heavenly Father with unconditional love for us. 7. Depression   Depression can be defined as having low spirits, self-pity, self-doubt or feeling hopeless, frustrated, lethargic, numbness or bitterness. You not only mourn the loss of your child, but also the future that should be full of hopes and dreams for your child. Depression can be a normal part of grief, but it can also spiral out of control. If you feel you need to talk to someone or you need to help, please get it as soon as possible. Don't put it off. 8. Acceptance   Acceptance is something that occurs with time. You realize that your family and environment will be different than it was before the loss. You realize that your child will not return and there is nothing that you or anyone else could have done to change what happened, it's not your fault. Acceptance is being able to see some “positive aspects”, finding comfort and healing and allowing yourself to explore these emotions. It is normal and to be expected to return to any of the stages of grief, so don't feel discouraged if and when it happens. Acceptance is not pretending like nothing happened or that it doesn't bother you anymore. Acceptance is not saying that you don't love your child anymore. Once you've experienced acceptance, it doesn't mean you can't go back and feel the other emotions. Acceptance may take the longest to finally hit you and it may be the hardest to get through, only because you may continuously feel that if you accept it, it means you will forget about your child. You will never forget. 9. Reorganizing   Through the child's death, the family has been changed forever. The entire family has to learn how to live without their loved one and the emptiness they feel, but each must gradually do this in their own way.** You may search for your purpose or meaning here on earth. In trying to find a “positive aspect” you may decide to educate the public about your tragedy and how to prevent it from happening to another family, set up scholarships or volunteer your time to a charity.

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